Hand On Your Heart
by holdonimcominghome
Summary: Anastasia Steele's two worlds are colliding. She packed up her life years ago, moving to New York City. She is finally living her dream life, the life she deserves until one night changes it all.
1. Chapter 1

*I do not own these characters and belongs to E.L. James

This is my first story, so please comment and tell me what you think! I'm starting with one chapter and awaiting feedback. Hopefully you guys like it and I continue.

 _Well it's one thing to fall in love_ _  
_ _But another to make it last_ _  
_ _I thought that we were just beginning_ _  
_ _And now you say we're in the past_ _  
_ _Look me in the eye_ _  
_ _And tell me we are really through_

 _You know it's one thing to say you love me_ _  
_ _But another to mean it from the heart_ _  
_ _And if you don't intend to see it through_ _  
_ _Why did we ever start?_ _  
_ _I want to hear you tell me_ _  
_ _You don't want my love_

 _Put your hand on your heart and tell me_ _  
_ _It's all over_ _  
_ _I won't believe it till you_ _  
_ _Put your hand on your heart and tell me_

 _That we're through_ _  
_ _Put your hand on your heart_

 _They like to talk about forever_ _  
_ _Most people never get the chance_ _  
_ _Do you wanna lose our love together_ _  
_ _Do you find a new romance_ _  
_ _I need to hear you tell me_ _  
_ _You don't want my love_

 _Put your hand on your heart and tell me_ _  
_ _It's all over_ _  
_ _I won't believe it till you_ _  
_ _Put your hand on your heart and tell me_ _  
_ _That we're through_ _  
_ _Put your hand on your heart_ _  
_ _Hand on your heart_

 _Look me in the eye_ _  
_ _And tell me we are really through_

"Ms. Steele? _Ms. Steele_? Ana!"

I suddenly snap out of my daze, ripping the headphones off my ears and see Lauren, my assistant standing in the doorway, "Ms. Steele, you have a call on Line 2." She gives me a weak smile and walks back to her desk.

"Anastasia Steele," I answer.

"There you are, I texted and called your cell a couple times. I thought you were bailing on me."

I let out a soft giggle "Of course not! Sorry, I've had such a crazy day I didn't even get to eat lunch. I can't believe it's almost after two."

"Ana, you know how important it is to eat."

"Yea, yea, I'll grab something light. I need to tie up a few loose ends and I should be out of here by five o'clock and stopping home to change. I'll see you at dinner?"

"I'll see you tonight. I love you."

"I love you too," hanging up the phone.

* * *

"Mmm, that dessert was delicious," I say licking the last bits of chocolate off my fork.

"I know something that tastes even better," flashing me a naughty smile.

"Behave—"

*clink clink clink* "Can I have everyone's attention please?"

"Good evening everyone, I'm Ray, the bride's father. I want to thank you all for being here to celebrate Ana and Matt. I hope you all are looking forward to tomorrow as much as I am, because let me tell you, New York City isn't a cheap venue." The table roared with laughter as Ray continued.

"Again, thank you all for being here. Let's all raise our glasses, to my Annie and Matt. I am so happy for you two and wish you a lifetime of happiness. Cheers!"

I stand up giving Ray a kiss on the cheek and whisper in his ear, "Thank you, Daddy. I love you so much."

"I love you too, kiddo," he replies as we take our seats.

The rehearsal dinner went rather quickly but I was exhausted. Most of the party scattered and went their separate ways, leaving a handful of guests behind.

"Hey babe, tired?" Matt crept up from behind nuzzling his nose into my neck.

"Mmhmm. How about you and me go back to my room and… sleep?" I offer him.

"As much as I'd love to 'sleep', I have to take my parents, brother and grandmother back to their hotel. And you, Miss Steele need your beauty sleep. We have a big day tomorrow."

"Why couldn't you guys just stay at this hotel? Yours is all the way across town." I ask, furring my brow.

Matt runs his finger over my brow out of habit and replies, "Because grandma said she's not hip enough to stay here, whatever that means. Besides, if I stay here I'll be tempted to sneak into your room later and fuck your brains out. I think that's bad luck and we can't have that, can we?" He smirks.

"Ugh, you suck. Can you at least stay for drinks?" I pout but it does no good.

"Nice try, baby. I would love to but everyone is exhausted from the flight in. Please don't stay out too late. Tell Kate to behave. Call me when you get in, ok?"

I sigh knowing he won't budge on this. "OK. Have a good night, I love you. I'll see you at five o'clock sharp," I say giving him a quick kiss goodbye. Before I make a step, a mass of blonde hair stops me in my tracks.

"STEELE! Come on, take this white virginal dress off and change into something a little… shorter."

"Oh come on, Kate. It's not that bad."

She scoffs, "No, it's not but listen, this is your last night as a single woman and we need to have one last night of fun. Come on, please? I haven't seen you since Ibiza!"

"I'll have a couple drinks. TWO. I can't get plastered the night before my wedding. My mom will kill you," I threaten.

"Oh please, I can handle Carla. Come on, let's get you dressed."

Apparently, I had nothing suitable to wear so Kate loaned me one of her dresses. It's an emerald green bodycon style dress, with a cut out at the waist and back with a modest high neckline. It barely covered my ass and I'm not sure how it covers Kate's since she's taller than I am.

"YOU. LOOK. HOT!" She screams.

Tugging on the bottom of the skirt, "Kate, this is too much. I should change."

"Oh shut up, you look great. Now, let's go. Maybe I can still find a date for tomorrow," she says dragging me out of the room before I could change my mind.

"Whatever happened to that guy you were supposed to bring anyway?" I ask though I know better not to.

"It turns out I dated his brother a couple years ago. Super awkward. It wouldn't have worked out anyway so no big deal." She says looking defeated. She and Elliot broke up not too long after I moved to New York three years ago. I tried talking to her about it a few times but she didn't really say much. I never pushed it but it's obvious she still misses him.

"Well ok then. Let's go find you a hot date!" We squeal as we enter the elevator to the rooftop bar in our hotel.

We get to the rooftop and the music is blaring. Kate orders us a round of drinks and we sit on the far edge of the bar to avoid the masses of drunk people knocking into one another. I had my bachelorette party three months ago and I haven't seen Kate since then, we've been so busy with our lives so we spend the time catching up. She recently left her job at Kavanagh Media to work for The Seattle Times. Ultimately, she got bored and decided to shift her direction into production. She landed a job as a Newscast Producer and couldn't be happier. To keep her father content, she still freelances for Kavanagh Media.

"Let's dance!" Kate pulls me off my stool before I can answer and we're sandwiched on the dance floor. I can't tell you how much time has passed but I haven't had this much fun in a while, let alone with my best friend. I see a cute blonde guy getting close to Kate and by the way her body is grinding on him, I don't think she minded.

"I have to pee! You two… do your thing," waving my hands at the show they're putting on.

I return from the bathroom and I see Kate still on the dance floor. I contemplate one more drink but I need some sleep. I walk towards Kate and scream to get her attention.

"KATE! KATE! I'm leaving, I really need to get some rest. Will you be alright?" I give her a wink and she nudges me in reply.

"Just be safe. Call me if you need anything ok?" I give her a kiss on the forehead and take the elevator down to my room. I fumble with my clutch and can't find my fucking room key. "Just great," I murmur. I hop onto the elevator _again_ down to the lobby and get a new key card with no problem. At this point, my exhaustion is gone and decide to go to the lobby bar for a night cap.

* * *

"Good evening, Miss. What can I get for you?"

"I'll have a gin and tonic. Hendrick's if you have it, or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the -" I am suddenly cut off and hear the tail end of my order.

"…Hendrick's, lime with the Bombay. I'll have the same."

I don't move. I can't believe what I'm hearing. No, it can't be. I'm not sure how long I am staring at the bartender but I give him a curt nod and take a deep breathe. I finally gain the courage to turn towards the voice over my shoulder and I see him.

"Christian."

"Anastasia."

"This isn't fucking happening. Of all days," I whisper quietly to myself. He looks handsome as ever though he's changed a bit over three years. He looks a little older, his hair peppered with a few greys. He's not the clean shaven Christian I once knew and is now sporting serious stubble on his face, a beard almost and I like it. Even under his suit jacket, I can tell he's gained more muscle. But his eyes, his beautiful grey eyes... they're darker; sad even.

"What are you doing here?" I ask irritated.

He smiles at me, cocking his head to the side, "Well, Miss Steele, it's nice to see you too. I was on my way out from an event. What are _you_ doing here?"

"I live here. Not _here_ , here but you know what I mean."

"Yes, I heard you moved a few years ago. How do you like it? New York agrees with you."

"Are we really going to do this dance? The last time we spoke, you made it perfectly clear that would be our last conversation. So what is it that you want, Christian?" I snap at him. I gather my purse, leaving cash for the bartender and quickly get out of my seat. As I turn to leave, he grabs my hand.

"Ana, please. I just wanted to say hello," he pleads.

"Hello, Christian and goodbye." I adjust the fucking dress riding up my ass and make a step forward. Christian still has a hold of my hand and calls my name out again, "Anastasia! Really, I saw you from the lobby and I knew I'd regret it if I didn't at least say hello."

I pull my hand out of his grasp and I hear a small grunt, as he shakes his hand to relieve the pain. Then he sees it, he catches a glimpse of what scratched his palm. His eyes lower and quickly flicker back up to mine.

"You're engaged."

"I am. I'm actually getting married tomorrow, here of all places." We stand in the middle of the lobby with people coming and going. We stand for seconds, minutes; I don't know but I finally make a move towards the elevator and press the call button. We're standing twenty feet away from each other and haven't broken eye contact.

"Are you happy?" He yells from across the lobby. Before I can give him an answer, the elevator door opens. I stand there for a moment, wondering if I should at least give him an answer. Instead I give him a small smile and step in and watch the doors close.

* * *

The ride to my floor is intolerable. I feel like I'm suffocating. I hadn't noticed until I got to my room but my tears were swirling, blurring my vision. I switch on the light and see Kate sprawled out on my bed.

"Kate? What are you doing here? I thought you hit it off with that guy."

"Ugh, right after you left, his girlfriend showed up. So typical. I've been calling you, where have you been? I left my key in my room but I had yours. Where were you?" I felt my mouth moving, but nothing came out. Unsure if I was at a loss for words or gasping for air.

"What's happening, Ana? Cold feet?"

"I umm… no," shaking my head. "I just, I just saw Christian downstairs. He, he's here on business, at this hotel. He's here."

I violently kick my shoes off one by one and plop down next to Kate. She's not saying anything and it scares me. Katherine Kavanagh always has something to say.

"Did you speak to him?" she whispers, moving the hair out of my face.

"Kind of. I told him I'm getting married. He asked if I was happy."

"What did you tell the jackass?" she asks sitting up, getting ready for the Kavanagh inquisition.

"I didn't tell him anything. Shit, of course I'm happy! I'm getting married, why wouldn't I be happy? I just walked away."

"Damn Steele. Relax, I was just asking. How did you feel when you saw him? How does he look?"

"He… looked good. He looks older but good. God, Kate! I'm not sure what I felt. Definitely angry, then confused and then sad all within minutes. It's been three years, I moved on, he moved on… I shouldn't feel this way. For fuck's sake I'm getting married tomorrow." I cry as a smother a pillow into my face.

"Ana, that's all normal. He's an ex, we've all been there. If I saw Elliot I would feel the same. Don't think too much about it, alright? Just sleep it off and you'll feel better in the morning. Please? We'll start the day off with room service and get ready for your big day. Please just go to bed."

"Ok." I toss and turn most of the night thinking about everything but Christian until sleep finally takes over.

* * *

" _Ana, are you home?" Christian calls out as he walks into the foyer._

" _Up here!" I yell and I practically hear him take two steps at a time up the staircase._

" _I've been waiting all day to see… what? What are you doing?" he asks, beginning to pace while he takes in the sight of the piles of clothing on the floor._

 _I sit down on the bed patting the empty spot next to me, "Christian, we need to talk."_

" _I think I'll stand. What the fuck is going?" I glance at the corner of the bedroom where I have a small suitcase, not making eye contact with him._

" _Christian, I promised you I would give this whole thing a try, a trial run but it's not for me. I'm ending the contract. I hope–" he interrupts._

" _Then get out." He says emotionless._

" _Can you let me explain first? For once, please let me talk."_

" _You have one minute."_

" _Like I said, I tried but I can't do this. For fuck's sake, I don't know who I am anymore. I do everything you ask, everything you want and I turned into this person I barely recognize. You are fucking breaking me. Breaking me down piece by piece into nothing. It feels like I gave you all of me and I get nothing in return."_

" _Ana… baby, you knew what this was about. Whatever we have going on here was outlined in black and white. What else do you want from me? I told you not to expect anything more and you said fine! As long as you have me. You fucking have me so what made you change your mind? I held up my end of the contract and I have given you everything you need and fucking more!"_

" _That's not what I need! I don't give a fuck about Escala, the clothes, the gifts or any of your money. I don't want it! I don't want any of it! We've been through this! I need you! Not dominant Christian, I need YOU. I want YOU and you can't give that to me. I want more and yes, you've tried and thank you for trying but it's not enough. Parading me around your family like we're in a real relationship was fun but no, no more. If this is all you can give me, I have to go. Fuck, Christian! I'm in love with you and I know that's breaking the rules but fuck your rules. I love you and I need to leave because you can't love me back. Look at me! Someone in love should be happy, do I look happy to you?"_

" _Anastasia, FUCK. You can't leave. Please, please don't leave. What can I do to make you stay? We can go over the contract, make some changes…"_

" _Forget your contract, Christian! I just told you I loved you! You're just not getting it. Fuck your stupid contract. I never wanted to be your submissive, it was a fucking mistake. I thought that… I thought that I could change you and make you fall for me but I was wrong. Shame on me, huh?"_

" _Are you sure? You have to be sure, Ana because once you walk out that door there is no coming back. Once you're gone, that's it. You're gone forever. So why don't you take some time to think about this and maybe you'll come to your senses."_

" _FUCK YOU. Think? That's all I ever do! Thinking of ways for you to love me. Thinking of ways to break down your walls. Thinking of how I want to jump off this fucking balcony because I'm not enough for you. With or without you, you consume me. It's pathetic, isn't it? I don't know how I let it happen but my life begins and ends with you! I'm just protecting myself, Christian. I need to walk away before it's too late. It's already too late."_

" _Ana… no. Please don't say that. Baby, listen I'll try harder ok? You know my issues, it's not you."_

" _Oh, believe me I know! But naïve little Anastasia gave you a chance anyway and stuck it out for two months. And try harder? You've hardly tried at all! You're not going to change, Christian… not unless you want to. That evil bitch manipulated you so badly you believe you don't deserve more. You have everything at your fingertips but you keep everyone, including me at arm's length. You tell me I'm different from the rest of them but the only difference is that I don't bend or break at every command. You liked the defiance. It was new and refreshing but that's all it was. I was a challenge and congratulations 'cause you fucking won."_

" _So that's it? You're just giving up on us?"_

" _Us? You just said… everything was written in black and white. There is no us, there is Christian, the dominant and Anastasia, his submissive. That's all I ever was to you, right? Just tell me. Look me in the eye and tell me anything."_

 _We stand in silence, just staring, waiting for some miracle to happen but it never comes._

" _I'm sorry… I'm really sorry but I can't love you. I'm not capable of that."_

" _Ok… I guess my time is up, huh?"_

" _I guess so."_

" _Goodbye, Christian."_

* * *

 _**Song – Jose Gonzalez: Hand On Your Heart_


	2. Chapter 2

Hi everyone! I started this story over a year and ago and well, life happened and left it on the back burner. But I will try to update as often as I can! Let me know what you guys think!

* * *

 _"_ _So, you bought SIP huh? So now you're my bosses' bosses' boss?"_

 _"_ _I guess I am. I'm really sorry, Ana. This was in the works before our contract ended. Anyway, I just came by to congratulate you on your promotion, you deserve it."_

 _"_ _Did you have something to do with it? I've only been here for four months and now I'm an editor? You can't interfere with my career, Christian. I mean it. Promise me you won't."_

 _"_ _You got the job because of your hard work, you should be proud. And you have my word, Anastasia. This will be our last conversation and I promise I'll leave you alone."_

I wake up in a panic, my breathing labored and my hair soaked in sweat. _Thank god_. It was just a dream. I turn on my side and see Kate sound asleep. _What time is it?_ I check my phone and it's only five in the morning. _Today is the day, my day_. I pick up my phone and send Matt a text feeling some remorse. _Good morning! Sorry I forgot to call last night, I got in late._ I'll tell him everything once the weekend is over. I don't see the need to put a damper on our wedding day.

I stretch my arms and give Kate a small nudge. "Kate… Kate, I'll be at the gym. I'll be back in a little bit."

"Okay, see you when you get back" she mumbles to me.

After running five miles on the treadmill, I relax in the steam room at the hotel gym. When things get hectic at work I dart for the gym and have a steam afterwards, sweating out the day, deadlines and anything toxic in my life.

When I finish, I head towards the hotel café and place my order with the barista. "I see you've made the switch to coffee" I jump at that familiar voice and slowly spin to see Christian rising from his seat at the table over.

"God! You are everywhere aren't you? Don't you have some big fancy apartment in New York? Why are you here?" I quickly snap at him.

Christian raises his brow and gives me a smirk. "Good morning to you too. If you must know, after you left last night, I had a few more drinks and ended up booking a room."

"Ok, well I have to get back", grabbing my coffee from the counter.

"Stay. Give me a few minutes."

I take a few steps backward praying that I don't stumble and make a fool out of myself. "I don't think that's such a great idea, Christian."

"What's the harm? We're just old friends having coffee," he says giving me a smile.

"We were hardly friends but fine. I only have ten minutes."

We find a small café table in the far corner and ever so chivalrous, he pulls the seat out for me, lightly grazing my arm as he took his own seat. I still feel that same buzz from all those years ago. _No, Ana. Don't even think about it._

He looks nervous; fiddling his fingers against his coffee cup. Christian Grey, the Master of his universe looks like he's about the throw up and I can't help but snicker inside. He starts, "So.. How's New York treating you?"

"Have you been following me?" I quickly accuse.

Letting out an anxious laugh he replies "No, well I wanted to but the last we spoke at SIP I promised I would leave you alone and I have. Our meeting is mere happenstance."

"Happenstance? So you're saying it was a coincidence that you're here, in New York, in the same hotel as me, on the day of my wedding? This is happening by some luck of the draw?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." _Oh lucky me_.

"Tell me about him," he asks, his eyes never leaving mine.

I play dumb to rile him up. "Tell you about who?"

"Don't play stupid, Anastasia. Your fiancé. How did you meet?"

"Seriously?" I am tempted to run out of here and say forget it but he places a hand over mine and says, "Yes, Ana. I'm genuinely curious." _No, please stop touching me._

"His name is Matt. Matthew Quinn. He's originally from Chicago and works at a hedge fund. He's actually my assistant's brother, she set us up."

"He's treating you well?"

"He is," is all I can summon to say. We take a few sips of our coffee and the silence is deafening. I knew this a was terrible idea. What does he even want from me? "Christian, why am I here? Why are you doing this?"

"I need to know you're taken care of and happy."

"Of course, I'm happy and to be honest, I'm not your concern."

"You will always be a concern of mine. Do you love him?"

"I'm marrying him!" I snap back.

Christian gets up and scoots his chair over closer to me and takes the coffee out of my hands. "But that's not what I asked."

"Listen this is ridic-"

A voice interrupts us and I quickly remove my hands from his. "Oh, there you are! I woke up and you were gone. Anyway, I have to run. I have a showing across town and need to get home first. Call me?"

I watch as she gives Christian a quick kiss on the cheek. _Who the hell is she?_ She glances in my direction and extends her hand, "Calista, Calista Scott. You must be Anastasia. I've heard a lot about you. Goodbye to you both, I'm late!" she says running towards the lobby exit.

I open my mouth to speak but he answers my question before I can mutter to ask. "My realtor. We see each other sometimes when I'm in town."

"I see," Raising my brow at him.

"So, are you going to answer my question? Do you love him?"

"Yes, I do."

"The way you loved me?"

I am a bit taken back by his brashness. I stand from my seat and turn around, pausing for a moment before facing him again. _You can do this, Ana._ "I don't know where you're going with this, Christian but you have no right to ask. You can't just come back into my life and do this. It's not fair. We haven't spoken in nearly three fucking years. You can't come waltzing in and fucking everything up. Actually, you know what? There is nothing to fuck up anymore, you did all of that when you let me walk away. Do you understand me? You can't be here. I can't be here!" Yelling at him in a hushed tone, thankful no one else is around to witness this mess.

We're face to face now and I can feel both of our hearts, beating out of our chests. "Just answer the fucking question, Anastasia. I need to know," he asks, ever so relentless on the issue.

"Why does it even matter? Whatever we had is over. I moved on, you moved on, we don't need to do this."

"I need to do this. Please, all I need is a yes or no," he says; gazing up, looking defeated. _Don't get caught in his trap._

"Why now? I was in Seattle for a couple months after I quit Grey Publishing. You knew where to find me but you never reached out to me again. When you saw me last night you should have turned around and walked away. Why didn't you just leave me alone! Fuck, why?!" I have tears streaming down my face and I have no idea why. Anger? Yes, I am just angry that must be it.

He takes a step closer, wiping the tears from cheeks, whispering "Because Ana, I haven't moved on."

"It sure looks like you moved on," I spit in his face as I take a step back.

He's laughing, freaking laughing now. "Oh come on, she's just a fuck." I can't help but roll my eyes and start to anxiously laugh with him. His eyes darken, the way I remembered and he whispers in my ear, "Don't roll your eyes at me, Anastasia. It's not polite."

Oh, so he wants to play this game right now? "Or what? You're going to spank me? I'm sure you have a submissive waiting at home to release your frustrations on."

"Don't. Tempt. Me." he gulps. "Listen, I'm not good at this. I haven't moved on. I.. I thought I did. There's so much I want to tell you and I need more than ten minutes. When you first moved here, you don't know how many times I wanted to hop on my jet to see you. Eight months after you left Seattle, I finally came to my senses and flew to New York and when I found you, you.. were with _him_. You looked genuinely happy and alive, so I turned around and hopped right back on the plane. I promised myself I wouldn't interfere with your life and I kept that promise. But then I saw you last night; you were absolutely stunn—"

I let out the breath I was holding and stop him, "Christian, please. Let's—"

His grey eyes are pleading with me now and I let him continue. "So, I saw you all alone and I thought I was hallucinating. But then I heard your voice and I thought it's now or never. I don't want to ruin what you have now, I swear. That's not my intention but I just need you to hear me out."

I'm shifting my weight uncomfortably hoping not to faint at this point. "Whatever is on your mind right now, you had years to say, but today, Christian… today I'm freaking getting married and I need to get ready soon. Kate and my parents are probably looking for me. I'm sorry but I need to go. It was nice seeing you." I spin around as fast as my body would allow and run towards the exit. Christian somehow makes it there before me and blocks my escape route.

"Stop running away from me! That's all you do! Is run away!" he spews in my face.

"Don't give me that shit! Don't act like the victim here!"

"That's not what I'm doing. I know everything is my fault. Ana, I- "

"You what?!" I scream. With all of my anger, I shove him, both my hands spread out on his chest. Christian's hands are immediately at my wrists. "Oh my god, Christian. I didn't mean to.. I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking. Did I hurt you?" We've officially made a scene and few hotel staff have peeked over in our direction. I give them a nod insuring everything is okay.

Letting go of my wrists, he looks confused and says "No. It didn't hurt. _At all_."

"So, what were you saying?"

"I... nothing, never mind. This isn't the place. Can we meet somewhere private later and talk?"

"When exactly? Before or after I walk down the aisle?" I chuckle to myself. "Let's just leave this here, okay? Let's not rehash the good old days. It was a long time ago."

I try to pass him but he wraps his arm around my back and presses me against his body. "Please, Ana. Let me fix this."

Pulling back from his hold, I take a breath and push the elevator button. _Don't be weak, Ana_. "There's nothing to fix. Please, just let me go. If you still care about me, don't let our past ghost my future. Be fair to me."

"I'm not a fair man, Anastasia."

"No, Christian. You're not. You have never played fair." Just as I finish my sentence the elevator dings. I touch his cheek and he leans into my hand. "Despite everything, it really was nice seeing you. You still look great. And I like this on you. It suits you," I say as I scratch his stubble. "Take care of yourself, Christian." I slide into the elevator and give him a small wave.

"ANAST—" and the doors slide to a close.

I check my watch, _6:46_. _Good, she should still be asleep._ I slide my room key and slip into my room, tip-toeing towards the bathroom.

"Ana?" _Shit_.

"Morning, Kate. You're up early. How do you feel?" I ask trying to divert her questions.

"Surprisingly, not hungover. You've been at the gym this whole time?" _Oh here we go._

Do I tell her what happened downstairs? Of course, I should. I have nothing to hide. _Except your real feelings._

We order room service and I take a shower while we wait for our breakfast to come. I spend the next half hour giving Kate the play by play on my _second_ encounter with Christian in less than twelve hours.

"…what makes him think he can just waltz right in and try to ruin everything? He thinks I'm supposed to believe him? And what if what he said is true? That he came to New York and saw me with Matt and thought it was best to let me go? Christian Grey does not back down easily, he takes what he wants. If he was really here then he should have fought for me. Why didn't he fight for me, Kate? He's a liar. He's a fucking liar."

I had no idea that I was now curled up on Kate's lap, sobbing. _Why am I even crying?_ Haven't I cried enough? Kate gently moves my hair away from my damp cheeks and shh'd me as if I were a child.

"Sweetie, don't you think this means something? To this day, I don't know the details of your break up and to be frank, I'm still not a fan of Grey but you're here spilling your guts, crying over him on your wedding day. Are you sure there's not more going on, Steele?"

"Of course not! I'm just angry he showed up out of nowhere and ambushed me but nothing else. This is my closure. I just needed to get it all out. I'm good now, really." I say as I chew on my lip. _Is this really all it is?_

"You can't get closure if you don't hear him out." _I guess she's kind of right but it's too late. "_ Listen, I'm on your side here."

I stand up, walking towards the mirror and look back, giving my maid of honor a big smile. "Kate, really I'm fine. I got it all out of my system. Can we get this day started?"

She returns my smile with a frown and throws something at me, an eye mask. "Lay down for a bit and put that on before Carla says something. It's almost eight o'clock. She'll be here any minute with the hair and makeup crew. I'm going to get a new room key, shower and get my dress. I'll be back in thirty. Stay put!"

She jumps up and gives me a big hug and kiss and heads out the door. As instructed, I open the eye mask and lay down on the mattress. _Please, please, please bring down the swelling in my eyes._ Not even a minute goes by and there's a knock on the door. _Ugh, please don't let it be my mom. Maybe Kate forgot something._

"Just a minute!" I hop out of bed and try my best to fix my hair before opening the door.

"Miss Steele?" _Oh, just room service._ I nod confirming he has the correct room.

"I have a delivery for you from the concierge. Please sign here." _Delivery_? He rolls over a cart into my suite with roses, few bottles of Bollinger, various juices and champagne glasses and sets them on the dining table. He opens one bottle and puts it into the ice bucket. "Please don't hesitate to contact the desk if you need anything else. Congratulations, Miss Steele." He gathers the breakfast trays and rolls the cart out of the room.

I sit at the dining table and I pour myself a glass to take the edge off my very eventful morning. It's then, when I notice a small envelope tucked in the bouquet of flowers. Ripping it open, I read,

 _when you are broken_

 _and he has left you_

 _do not question_

 _whether you were_

 _enough_

 _the problem was_

 _you were so enough_

 _he was not able to carry it_

\- _rupi kaur_

 _You were always enough, Anastasia._

 _I'm sorry I was too blind to see it._

 _Congratulations, you will make a beautiful bride._

 _I'll be thinking of you._

 _All my love,_

 _Christian_


	3. Chapter 3

**CPOV**

" _Mr. Grey, we're here. It's the building on the right with the red door, second floor. Would you like me to go with you, sir?"_

" _I'm good, Taylor." I step out of the SUV and onto the sidewalk. The prewar brownstone is beautiful; large double wooden red doors, black pane windows and shutters; there's even ivy creeping from the ground level to the third. The stoop was wide and held terra-cotta planters with miniature English rose bushes on each side. This is very her._

 _I make my way to the top of the steps and scan the names on the buzzer. Taylor said the second floor, right? The second-floor apartment says O'Connor but I ring anyway._

" _Who is it?" An unfamiliar female voice answers over the intercom._

" _I'm a friend of Anastasia's. Is she home?"_

" _No, I'm sorry she's not here. What's your name? I'll tell her you stopped by."_

" _Umm, it's Christian."_

" _Grey?!" A male voice booms over the intercom. "Umm…come on up, man."_

 _I'm buzzed in and climb to the second floor. A young woman probably around Ana's age meets me at the apartment door. She's cute; has long curly red hair, freckles splattered across her nose and is wearing a pair of yoga pants and an old band t-shirt. "I'm Nora, Ana and Ethan's roommate. Come in, he's just getting dressed." Ethan?_

 _I step into the apartment and it's surprisingly bigger than it looks from the outside. I'm led to the kitchen which is pretty modern but there's still plenty of character all around—brick walls, original moldings and floors. The décor is cozy and eclectic. Again, this is very Ana._

 _I see a familiar face emerge from the hallway and he makes his way over to me. "Christian," he says shaking my hand._

" _Ethan. Thanks for letting me up. I uhh…came to see Ana, do you know where I can find her?"_

" _Why?"_

 _Now I remember why I don't like this prick. "That's really none of your business."_

" _Ana is my business. You know she's like a sister to me. Look dude, she has a good thing going here; she has her friends, her career... she's finally settled in and happy. That took her a long time. I just don't want you coming here and stirring shit up."_

" _Listen, I just want to talk to her. I'm not here to cause any trouble. Just tell me where I can find her or I can wait here all day. Your choice."_

" _Fine. Saturday mornings she usually goes to the park down the street. There's a courtyard with tables, bet you'll find her there."_

" _Thanks, I appreciate it. I'll see myself out."_

 _I scan the courtyard and there she is, sitting at a small table with a manuscript in her hands. It's the middle of summer and the sun is shining brightly, casting a halo on her beautiful wavy chestnut hair. She grew it out and it's hitting her lower back. She's wearing a flowy floral maxi skirt and a little yellow crop top that skims just above her naval. I growl at the skin she's showing but God, she is gorgeous. I sit down on a bench keeping enough distance between us so she doesn't spot me. I spend the next ten minutes watching her as she reads. Studying the way, she scrunched her nose, squinted her eyes against the sun and flipped the pages. It was all too familiar and I suddenly felt homesick and unsettled. I exhausted the entire plane ride mulling over what I would say when I finally got here. One look at her and all is lost. Stop being a pussy, Grey. Get up and tell her how you feel. Get your girl._

 _A smile formed on her face. It was more than a smile; she was beaming. What is she smiling at? She stands from her chair and is embraced by a man. No, no, no, no. He was handsome looking from afar, tall with brown hair, dressed in running gear. I'm shifting on the bench uncomfortably waiting for this hug to end and when it does, Ana grabs hold of his face with both hands and kisses him. It was brief but they still held on to each other, laughing at something he said._

 _My heart is in the pit of my stomach but I can't pry my eyes from them. Ethan was right. She is happy. A pang of jealousy hits. Partly because she's with someone else now but more so cause I've never seen her smile this way around me, ever. She was probably scared to, you dickhead._

 _This is all too much. I need to get the fuck out of here._

" _Where to, sir?"_

" _Home, Taylor. Let's go home."_

—

 _Walking down 29th and Park  
I saw you in another's arms  
Only a month we've been apart  
You look happier_

 _Saw you walk inside a bar  
He said something to make you laugh  
I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours  
Yeah, you look happier, you do_

 _Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you  
But ain't nobody love you like I do  
Promise that I will not take it personal, baby  
If you're moving on with someone new_

 _'Cause baby you look happier, you do  
My friends told me one day I'll feel it too  
And until then I'll smile to hide the truth  
But I know I was happier with you_

 _Sat on the corner of the room  
Everything's reminding me of you  
Nursing an empty bottle_

 _and telling myself you're happier  
Aren't you?_

 _Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you  
But ain't nobody need you like I do  
I know that there's others that deserve you  
But my darling, I am still in love with you_

 _But I guess you look happier, you do  
My friends told me one day I'd feel it too  
I could try to smile to hide the truth  
I know I was happier with you_

 _Baby, you look happier, you do  
I knew one day you'd fall for someone new  
But if he breaks your heart like lovers do  
Just know that I'll be waiting here for you_

" _Hey, brother. Drowning your sorrows in sad love songs? You look and smell like shit."_

" _Fuck off, Elliot. What are you doing here?"_

" _Taylor called and said you were having a rough time," he says picking up an empty bottle of scotch and pieces of broken glass off the floor._

 _I throw back another finger of scotch and slam the glass on the coffee table. "I'm alive and breathing. You can leave now."_

" _Yea barely. If you don't want my help, that's cool, you never have but whatever you need, just say the word alright? Get some sleep. What's going to happen to your empire when their emperor shows up sloshed?"_

* * *

"Open up you, asshole! I know you're up there!" I scream into the intercom.

The front door swings open and I could kill this guy. "Grey, what the fuck? It's seven o'clock!"

"Why didn't you tell Ana I was here? You knew she was seeing that fucker didn't you? What? You wanted to be around and swoop in when things went to shit?" I spew, demanding answers from this prick.

"What the fuck are you talking about? That summer three years ago? I didn't know, I swear. I heard voices in the hallway and I was certain she was with you. I mean, you put her through hell but she still loved you. So why wouldn't it be you on the other side of the door?"

"She still loved me?" _I thought she hated me?_

"Yes, you idiot. Why do you think she left Seattle?"

Once GEH went public with the purchase of SIP, she sent her resignation a week later. Unemployed for some time, I figured she'd rather be jobless than have anything to do with me. I pulled some strings from other publishing houses to get her recruited but Elliot broke the news one night. She up and left. She was planning her move, applying for jobs well before SIP was finalized. This whole time, I thought her hatred towards me drove her across the country.

"Anyway, they came into the apartment and Ana introduced him as her boyfriend. Even I was taken back by the news. She never brought him around before. Later on, she said she wanted to keep it quiet, didn't want anyone to get too close in case it didn't work out, you know." He shrugs. "I told Nora not to mention you were here."

"You're fucking kidding me! That wasn't your call!"

"Like I told you that day, Ana is _my_ concern. She's my best friend and I will fight tooth and nail to protect her. I will _always_ protect her. You don't understand; your break up cracked her wide open and she carried that shattered heart and grief all the way to New York." _Talk about baggage._ "She thought she wasn't enough for you and can you blame her? Ana confesses her love and you just let her go? It's okay if you didn't love her back, that shit happens but I know you cared about her. Everyone fucking saw it. But you threw it all away because you're a coward. I was the only one she had here and I helped her pick up the pieces when it should have been you."

"I didn't know how…I, I couldn't. I was so fucking stupid."

"I know shit gets complicated but Christian, you're out of time. You're here to place the blame on someone else for your mistakes. You had years to fix your mess but it's too late, bro. Just walk away and go home. Fucking let her be happy. Give her what you never could before; peace."

I'm sitting on the stoop, my head hung low into my hands. "Just so you know, Ana doesn't regret you. Once upon a time, you were exactly what she needed." Ethan squeezes my shoulder without another word and closes the door behind him.

 _He's right, it's too late now._

"Good morning. I would like to place a delivery to the room of a Miss Anastasia Steele please."

* * *

 **APOV**

"Ana!" He lifts me up and gives me a big bear hug.

"Ethan, put me down! You'll ruin my dress."

"You look beautiful. Where is everyone?" He asks as I smooth out my dress and check my hair. Just then Kate opens the door to my suite, looking like the bombshell she is in her gold floor length satin gown.

"Hey Ethan! Where's Nora and my adorable baby nephew?" Kate asks.

"They just left the apartment, they'll be here soon." He replies.

Ethan takes my hands and asks, "Well, are you ready or what?"

"Ye.. yea I am." I say clearing my throat and sinking into the couch. I guzzle down some champagne and blow out a sigh interrupting the whispers between Kate and Ethan. "I'm right here you know."

The two flank my side on the couch, bringing a bottle of champagne, topping my glass off. "It's okay, Kate…I'll tell him. I saw Christian today…and last night."

Ethan's eyes go wide and mumbles something under his breath. "I'm sorry what did you say?"

"I said I saw him too." He replies.

I get up panicking. "You what?! He's still here? In this hotel?"

He looks nervous now and paces in front of me. What is _his_ problem? "Ana, he came to the apartment this morning pretty pissed off."

"Why would he go see you? Kate interrupts. "Am I missing something?"

"Do you really want to know?" _Do I really want to know?_ I nod and he explains everything—from the time Christian came to see me three years ago to this morning's visit. I don't say anything, I'm glued to my seat and Kate shakes me. "Ana…say something."

But I can't. I get up and walk over to the full-length mirror and look at my reflection. I look beautiful. I _feel_ beautiful. I was on a business trip to London when I popped into Lace Love's Grace's showroom. My mom and Kate have been bugging me for weeks about finding a dress so I thought I'd do this now without an audience. I walk into the shop and I found "the one" immediately. The Rosa dress that I wear today, hugs me perfectly. I've gained some healthy weight over the past couple years and this dress accentuates the curves I never knew I had. My hair is styled in a simple mussed up pony tail with a few loose tendrils. My makeup is simple but just enough for the cameras.

I smile at Kate and Ethan through the mirror. "It's okay. Ethan, I'm not mad at you. I know you were just looking out for me. The past is the past, right? It all worked out because look, I love Matt and I get to marry him today. I'm so so lucky to have him in my life. So, you two need to stop sulking in the corner and celebrate with me. I'm fine…really."

Standing from the couch, Kate approaches me and places her fingertips on my shoulder. "Ana, turn around and look at us and tell us you're 'fine'. If you have any qualms about today, maybe you shouldn't do this."

"I—" Just then, there's a soft knock on the door followed by Ray, Carla and the photographer. This is my dad's first look of me and I see his eyes welling up with tears.

"Oh, Ann…Annie. You…are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

"Daddy, don't cry…because then I'll cry and…" I croak and fall into his arms. "Thank you for everything. I couldn't ask for a better dad." He hugs me tighter and the photographer gushes over our private moment. _Get out of here, lady!_ If I had it my way, there would be no photos before the ceremony but mom insists on documenting this day down to the minute.

"Sorry to interrupt you guys but we have three hours until the ceremony. I want to start with the bride and groom's first look in private, per Ana's request. We'll begin at the hotel and then take a few photos nearby, I was scouting locations yesterday and I found a few cool spots. We should be back in an hour and then we'll round up the bridal party for photos. We can get most of the pictures out of the way so I don't have to pull everyone out during the reception." She doesn't wait for confirmation and heads out the door.

He gives me a smile but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Ready, Annie?" _As ready as I'll ever be_.

"Yup. Let's do this."

* * *

 **CPOV**

I left Ethan's apartment not knowing where else to go. I walked around their neighborhood for a while, stopping at places Ana probably frequented. There was an antique bookstore on the corner; their shelves lined with first editions smelling of old leather. I could see a giddy Ana running her fingers along each row, thumbing through the pages of her favorites. Down the street there was a little café that smelled of fresh baked bread. Inside were cushioned benches along the windows and I pictured her there with legs crossed, sipping a cup of tea and reading or typing away on her laptop. And then there was that park. That fucking courtyard where I put her happiness in front of mine. Where did she sit to fight her demons? When was it the worst? Was it at night when the people of this busy city sought refuge in their homes and she was alone?

I was walking around for hours meanwhile ignoring several calls from Taylor and Elliot. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. Moving my legs one in front of the other seemed impossible. In front of me stood her hotel and I laugh subconsciously. Did I circle back here to punish myself? It was the lunch rush at the restaurant and I stationed myself at the bar and ordered their best scotch. I watch as people come and go, grateful that I don't recognize any of the patrons.

"Sir, another?" The bartender asks.

"Please."

"Make that two." His voice pulls me from my thoughts and drags a stool next to mine. _Who the?_

"Unless you're footing the bill for this wedding, I suggest you make a quiet exit. I don't think they bought wedding insurance."

"Ray?" I chuckle, lifting my head to face him.

"I overheard Ana and Ethan upstairs." _Shit_. "What are you still doing here, Christian?"

I swirl the scotch in my glass, trying to buy some time. "I don't really know," I answer honestly. "I was walking around for hours and I found myself here. Maybe I just wanted to be close to her."

"Well you look like shit, son."

"I'm not exactly having a great day. The girl in— the girl _of_ my dreams is so far away. Every night those blue eyes haunt me…and, in my wake, whenever I see that shade of blue, my heart would beat a little faster—instantly recognizing it and crave it. But it's her smile…"

Ray takes the glass from my hands and pushes it away, pulling his stool closer and says, "Her smile that could melt you when you're having the worst day of your life…and somehow convinces you that world isn't such a terrible place? I know that smile." He pauses and takes a sip. "If you could only see her…she looks so beautiful but so _torn_. She never really talked about you but I _know_ my daughter, Christian. Ana's filled with pain _but_ my girl still has a lot of fight left in her."

"I don't understand. Why are you telling me this?"

"Because she's worth fighting for. Listen, I'm not telling you to stop this wedding from happening. Matt is a great guy and Ana really does love him but maybe for all the wrong reasons. She's not as far away as you think." He drops a bill on the counter and leaves me by myself questioning everything.

—

Song: Ed Sheeran – Happier

* The Grace Love's Lace Rosa dress was my wedding dress and I had to include it in the story


	4. Chapter 4

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for your great reviews! Nelle, you're awesome! New chapter up and I can't wait to hear what you guys think!

* * *

 **APOV**

My parents kiss me goodbye and I step in, pressing 'R' for the Rooftop. I'm so nervous my palms are sweating. And then, the elevator opens quietly to the top deck where I was dancing with my best friend less than twenty-four hours ago. The space looks like absolute magic. There are twinkle lights hanging in rows and rows across the skyline and long rustic benches line the aisle. The pergola is covered in blush roses, orange and white ranunculus with cascades of eucalyptus. And underneath stood Matt, his back to me. I look over my shoulder and see Emily, the photographer signaling me to move. I take my time reaching him, through the very aisle I'll be walking down in a few short hours. I tap his shoulder and he turns to face me.

He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. I giggle and it snaps him right out of his daze. "So how do I look?" I ask and he twirls me in a complete three-sixty, then tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"Wow. I…I knew you would look gorgeous but I couldn't even dream up how perfect you are right now."

"Thank you…you look pretty handsome yourself." He pulls me close, my back to his front and wraps his arms around my waist, kissing my lips, my cheek and behind my ear while we take in the view of the Hudson River.

"Can you believe we got engaged six months ago? This day came so fast."

"It didn't come fast enough, Ana. If you had let me, I would've married you the day you said yes. Hey, do you remember the first time we met, at Lucy's?"

"Oh my god, yes! Lauren got me so hammered. That place has the best margaritas."

"It's also the place I fell head over heels in love with you."

"Oh shut up! You liar!" I giggle, trying to tickle him under his suit.

"It's the truth, babe and if it wasn't, it was at least the night I found my best friend."

"You sure did. We've had some good times, huh? And this is just the beginning."

"Not so fast…I didn't get you to say I do, yet. You love me?" he asks, running his finger over my brow.

"I love you. Do you love me?"

"Mmmm, maybe a little?" he says playfully, pinching his fingers and pulls my arm. "Come on, let's make Emily and Carla happy and get these pictures over with."

* * *

 _It's late spring in New York and like Washington, can get pretty chilly in the evening. But we walk along the beach anyway with our feet in the sand as the sun sets. The sky is painted in gold, pink and lavender streaks, a reminder that the day is ending and a new one will eventually begin. As simple as it sounds, it's not._

 _We spent the day at Coney Island; I have never been before and I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. I wasn't exactly jumping in excitement when he dragged me on the historic Cyclone though. A "historic" rollercoaster didn't sound particularly safe and when I heard the rattling of the old wooden planks, I fainted. But I survived and vowed to never go on another rollercoaster ever again._

" _Hey, let's play a game. We ask a question and the other answers, two second time limit, no hesitation. We can start easy." Matt says interrupting me from my thoughts._

" _Ok, fine but I go first. What's your favorite food?"_

" _Breakfast."_

" _That's not a food!"_

" _Fine. Eggs Benedict. Who's your favorite author?"_

" _Hardy. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?_

" _Han Solo. What's your favorite color?"_

" _Grey", I say._

" _That's not a real color."_

" _Sure it is. How else would you describe a foggy day or the color of our hair as we age? They say life isn't black or white, right? So what's the in-between? Grey. It's the uncertainty between peace and worry, truth and deceit. There are a million shades but each one has the power to make the invisible visible. It's the color where life happens."_

" _Whoa, that was…deep."_

" _Sorry. So, who's your favorite TV character?"_

" _Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be?"_

" _My dad. Favorite place you've visited?"_

" _Rome. What do you wear to bed?" He asks raising his brow._

" _Pajamas? If you had the chance to do anything you wanted right now, what would it be?"_

 _He stops walking and faces me, placing a hand on my cheek and the other delicately behind my neck. "This." There's a pause, a brief moment of anticipation hanging in the air and his lips finally meet mine._

 _I somehow forget who I am, how I got here; I can't remember what is was like before this and when it comes to an end, I realize that the unexpected is the very thing I need._

* * *

 **CPOV**

I needed to get the hell out of that fucking hotel. The walls were closing in on me and I had to sober up and clear my mind before I made things worse. I was still in my clothes from yesterday and needed a shower anyway. I arrive at the apartment and I'm met by Taylor.

"Mr. Grey?"

"God damnit it, Taylor. It's Christian." I snap at him.

"Christian, the jet is on standby whenever you're ready."

"Take the rest of the day off. I'll let you know if I need you. I'll be in the shower."

"Thank you, sir."

I'm showered and dressed in clean clothes on the balcony, the late September breeze hits my face while I replay the conversation I had with Ray. How did I even get into this situation?

" _When you saw me last night you should have turned around and walked away. Why didn't you just leave me alone? Fuck, why?!"_ PerhapsI needed her to hear me out, tell her that our relationship wasn't exactly how I thought it would be, it was more. Tell her that she brought me to life, in the most exhilarating, demanding and brilliant way and I was too fucked up to see it. Tell her that watching her walk away was the biggest mistake I have ever made…but promise her that as long as she was truly happy, I would let her go because she deserves it. Tell her she deserves a life and love to be excited about, one that doesn't wear her down or crushes her spirit. Not like mine. I wouldn't plead or beg for her forgiveness for causing the pain that I did; I would close the book, not because of conceit or pride, but purely because our tragic tale no longer lead anywhere. But she didn't give me the chance to explain; instead she ran and I don't really blame her.

So what fucking happens next? I go back to Seattle and continue on, destroying myself? _It's not about you, don't be the selfish bastard she knows_. I'm at a complete loss here. How am I supposed to let the love of my life go? The love of my life…shit, she has no fucking idea I'm in love with her; that I've always loved her.

 _What time is it?_ Ten minutes to four o'clock. _Fuck_ , _I have ten minutes to get across town?_ Taylor couldn't get me there with the traffic.I bolt out of the apartment, taking the stairs and out into the street.

 _Don't stop, Grey_. _It's the fucking cars._

I'm running as fast as I can and I'm still blocks from the hotel.

 _Don't slow down_.

I'm finally here but where the hell is the wedding? "Excuse me, where is the Steele-Quinn wedding?"

"The rooftop, sir."

My chest is burning and I don't know if I'll make it. I dart towards the elevator and try to catch my breath as it ascends quickly. _You're almost there_. The doors open and I stumble out. In front of me, down the white lined aisle, under a pergola adorned with flowers, I see her…in her wedding dress with her mouth pressed against his.

 _I'm too late._

* * *

 **APOV – three months later**

" _Thank God,"_ I mutter as my plane finally touches down at Sea-Tac Airport. I was stuck in Chicago for hours waiting for the next flight out; on Christmas Eve of all days. I turn my phone back on and I hear the pings of my text messages coming through.

 _ **Have a safe flight. Text when you land - Mom**_

 _ **xoxo – Kate**_

 _ **See you tomorrow – Ethan**_

 _ **You're welcome :) – Matt**_

 _ **Here at arrivals – Dad**_

"Annie?"

"Hmm? Sorry, I was somewhere else." I say.

"Annie, we're here."

"Thanks for the ride, daddy."

"I'm happy you're home, kiddo. You okay?"

"Yea, I think so."

"Do you want me to wait for you?"

"Thanks, but I'll catch a taxi back."

"Holler if you need me, okay? I'll bring your luggage to the hotel."

I give Ray a kiss and hop down, shutting the passenger door of his old pickup. I can't believe that thing is still running, he's had that that truck since I was little. I take a deep breath and push my way through the revolving doors. There's a fresh Christmas tree in the front with fake presents underneath and cedar garlands along the walls. It's supposed to be heartening and bring comfort but the building is cold and sterile, radiating a stifling disinfectant smell.

There's a gentleman at the front desk and I approach him. "Hi, I'm Anastasia Steele to see—"

"Oh yes, Ms. Steele, security informed me of your visit. Do you know where to go?"

"Yes, thank you. Happy Holidays," I say and smile at him.

I round the corner to the corridor of elevators. _It's going to be okay_. The elevator doors open and I press the button to the correct floor. _Why isn't it fucking moving?_ I press it again and nothing. _The code, dummy_. I press _P_ again and punch in my birthday.

The elevator slides open to the foyer. It looks exactly the same but eerily different. I instantly hear the piano keys in the background; I stop at the console table, pausing to listen. The notes are beautiful but melancholy and my heart aches. _Come on, you're already here. No turning back._

I make my move, walking softly so my heels don't click against the marble. His back is turned to me and I inch a little closer, leaning against the kitchen counter as my heart breaks at the melody. What surprises me most is not the restlessness of the tune but his voice, something he has never shared with me. He sounds pained but it's sincere and I listen with my eyes closed and ears open; hurting with him.

 _You look so wonderful in your dress  
I love your hair like that  
The way it falls on the side of your neck  
Down your shoulders and back_

 _We are surrounded by all of these lies  
And people who talk too much  
You've got that kind of look in your eyes  
As if no one knows anything but us_

 _And should this be the last thing I see  
I want you to know it's enough for me  
'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need_

 _I'm so in love, so in love  
So in love, so in love_

 _You look so beautiful in this light  
Your silhouette over me  
The way it brings out the blue in your eyes  
Is the Tenerife sea_

 _And all of the voices surrounding us here  
They just fade out when you take a breath  
Just say the word and I will disappear  
Into the wilderness_

 _And should this be the last thing I see  
I want you to know it's enough for me  
'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need_

 _I'm so in love, so in love  
So in love, so in love_

It ends all too soon and he puts his forehead on the piano. I can hear his exhales from where I stand as I hold my own breath. He doesn't budge and I'm completely frozen. _Say something_.

"That was really beautiful," I say. He whips around and I see his face. His eyes are bloodshot and all color drains from his face. With each heartbeat, I take a step towards him.

"Anastasia?"

"Hi." I say breathlessly.

"Why? I mean…" He shakes his head. "How are...?"

"Merry Christmas, Christian."

There's a cloud of tension between us, only allowing a few feet between our bodies.

"Are you visiting your dad for the holidays?"

"Uhh, kind of?"

He narrowed his eyes, questioning me, "Kind of?"

"I came to see you," I answer, chewing on my bottom lip.

"Why? Is everything ok?" His whole demeanor changes and he's at full alert. This is the Christian I know.

"I hope so…"

"Anastasia, why are you here? Where is your husband?"

"He's back home. I mean, he's in New York. Christian, I'm not married"

"You're divorced?"

"No. We…never got married."

"What are you taking about? But I saw you..."

"You were there?"

* * *

 _"Friends, we have been invited here today to share with Matthew and Anastasia a very important moment in their lives. In the years they have been together, their love and understanding of each other has grown and matured, and now they have decided to live their lives together as husband and wife."_

" _A marriage, as most of us understand it, is a voluntary and full commitment. It is made in the deepest sense to the exclusion of all others, and it is entered into with the desire and hope that it will last for life._

 _Before you declare your vows to one another, I want to hear you confirm that it is indeed your intention to be married today. Matthew, do you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to Anastasia in marriage?"_

" _No. I...don't."_

 _There's a harmony of gasps and I look to Matt and mouth a "what?"_

 _He takes both of my hands in his and smiles at me. What the hell is happening?_

" _Ana, when we met, I was convinced that friends were all we could ever be. You built these massive walls around you but I waited until they came down on their own. I didn't want to push or fight through them, I wanted you to let me in. I understood, you know. I've been there myself. You just started a new job in a new city—it was brand new and fucking scary as shit. I found you in a long-broken season of your life; the timing just wasn't right. I didn't know anything about you before you moved here but I knew you were happy once in that old life you ran away from. I always wondered what kept you up at night, what or who was haunting you. All you told me was 'I'm broken—"_

" _I'm broken by something I saw coming." Giving my hand a squeeze, Matt wipes my tear stained cheeks. I didn't realize I was crying but he continues._

" _As a friend, it hurt me so much to see you that way and I promised you that I would do everything to help you make peace with your pieces if you couldn't do it on your own. Your walls ebbed away little by little and you finally gave me a chance. Ana, waiting for you was worth it and fuck everyone else for making me you think in the slightest second that you weren't." He pauses._

" _I don't want to you to hurt you. I love you so much and I know you love me too but even after all these years, I know there's a part of you…a huge part of you that will love him for the rest of your life. He was your first love and I can't take that away from you. I don't want to. In spite of it all, I love you. All of you, Ana. Maybe I love too hard, I don't know. All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I won't let you. Ana, you need him and you know it. Go to him."_

" _You knew he's here?"_

" _I wanted to surprise you…and I saw you two this morning. I didn't know I was competing with Christian Grey," he laughs._

" _Matt...I…" my hands fly to my mouth and I gasp for air._

" _Hey babe...look at me. It's okay, I promise. I get that you're terrified and that you've been hurt. But choosing to be with me is easy and safe but easy and safe is no way to love. A love without fervor is far beneath what you deserve."_

He places his hands on my face, leans in and smiles against my lips in surrender. A loud bang tears us away and we watch the stairwell door swing to a close.

* * *

Song: Ed Sheeran - Tenerife Sea


End file.
